Feeling Left Out {or That Time I Was Asked on a Blind Date}

I remember the first time I was asked out on a blind date. My 15 year old friend thought it’d be a good idea for me to join her and her boyfriend and his friend on a date. (You’re shaking your head right now, I can see it. I’M shaking my head at MYSELF right now)

Because, well… ahem, I was 12.

I WAS 12!!!!! I hadn’t even started Eighth Grade yet for goodness sake. Never mind the fact that I hadn’t even had a boyfriend yet. Unless of course, you count the awkward boy I held hands with for about five minutes under a blanket during a Seventh Grade party. But that shouldn’t really count because after that five minutes I never saw him again in my life.

My mama, thank the good Lord, channeled both the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon. Without skipping a beat when I told her my plans, she laughed outright and firmly said “Not on your ever-loving life.”

To which I responded with all the foot-stomping, door-slamming angst I could muster

“You are JUST NO FAIR!!! You just want me to grow up to be an OLD MAID, I’M NEVER GOING TO GET MARRIED NOW”

(Yeah, I had have a flair for the dramatic)

Before I go on there’s a few things you need to know about this time in my life…

1. I could not for the life of me figure out how what I supposed to do with all that awkward ganglyness that comes with a twelve year old body when said body looked more like a 16 year old girl (READ: Well endowed)

2. I was convinced that no-one would ever love me.

3. I spent every last dime of my weekly allowance on Modern Bride magazines and had my entire wedding planned right down to the honeymoon at a resort that sported a champagne glass-shaped hot tub. (I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING!!!)

4. I always felt like the world was going to happen and I wouldn’t be part of it.

Little did I know that 8 short years later I would be married to my best friend in the sweetest wedding ceremony known to man with vows that started with “Tonya I love you and I want to marry you…”

(The wedding and the honeymoon looked nothing like my Modern Bride fantasy. There was a hot tub. It didn’t look like a champagne glass. Someday if we’re ever face to face I’ll tell you the story about that particular encounter).

But I digress…

The point of this little jaunt down memory lane is this. I still struggle with feeling left out. I sometimes look at what’s happening to my friends around me and I feel the restlessness of being left behind build in my chest.

Because what if I miss out? What if there’s something so spectacular out there and my life just won’t be complete without it?

I am so grateful that I serve a tender-hearted Saviour who reminds me time and again that I will never be left behind. He reminds me there are plans for me that can’t be found in the glossy pages of a magazine. There are plans that can not even come close to any earthly experience I can imagine.

And even in this moment, when I feel like I’m missing out, I’m living His plan for my life. Every task, every seemingly mundane moment is all part of His greater purpose for me. Even when there are words left unwritten, pictures not taken, memories not made He has gathered every moment of my life - past, present and future - and called it to Himself for His purpose.

“The Mighty God, the Eternal — God of past, present and future — has spoken over the world, calling together all things from sunrise to sunset.” Psalm 50:1

That blind date is still a standing joke between my mom and I. On the day I got married we laughed until we cried over my dramatic proclamations about any hope of marriage for my future. I carry with me though, the way she lovingly protected me from what could have been a horrible, if not dangerous, situation for any 12 year old LITTLE girl to be involved in.

She held her ground, my mama did, through the storm of my angst. I imagine God doing the same when my 12 year old self rears her head and stamps her foot in defiance that she is missing out. I imagine Him chuckling to himself and calling me close for hug so He can whisper “Oh Tonya, if you only knew, My purpose will blow your mind.”

I have not been left out.

This moment, this right now - it is my CALLING.